Goals- Week #1

Food- track my food choices on dailyplate.com every day.
Water- drink 8 glasses each day.
Exercise- I purchased a 3 month membership to a local gym. Goal is to go 3 times this week.
Weight loss- 5 lbs. Totally achievable for a 1st week on a new program.

A New Year, A Fresh Start

So it's been a long time since I've blogged here. Last year's weight loss competition went really well. I ended up coming in second and losing 42 lbs! The summer went well and I really enjoyed feeling fit and looking better. But somewhere along the way I stopped trying. Due to a few circumstances in my life, I stopped exercising, starting eating what I wanted, and found myself depressed. Really depressed. I think I'm still a little bit there, to be honest. And now one year later, I have gained everything back except for 10 lbs. Ugh.

This sort of spiraling downward has led to me pulling away from relationships and things I used to love. I don't really smile much anymore. I feel so ashamed and guilty and everytime I see my friends who've kept their weight off, I want to run and hide. I have so many regrets and so much shame to work though. I'm so thankful I don't have to stay here in this place. I can choose to make changes again, to take control, to surrender to the Lord and let Him lead me again.

So I'm looking for a fresh start. Today's plan is to log my food, get in a workout, and go grocery shopping for lots of healthy options. I'm setting small goals and not beating myself up over them. I have to start believing that I'm capable of success. It's one thing to change your body, but it's an entirely different thing to transform one's mind.

Week 4 Weigh-in and Meeting

Where has the time gone? It's been crazy busy around here and the week is flying by. Last week was the beginning of week 4. I lost 3.2 lbs!!! Very happy with that result. This week's weigh in is a big one. We get our BMI's and Body fat percentages taken again. I cannot wait to see the progress I've made!!! Altogether I've lost 19 lbs. Not too bad considering it's been only a month!

Guilt

Guilt is a subtle, yet powerful thing. It can sneak up on you quietly and quickly, grasping a hold on you and not letting go. It's controlling and like quicksand. Once you are in the thick of it, it's so hard to get out.
Guilt is one of the biggest things I've struggled with over the past 10 years. It's not your average kind of guilty feelings, like feeling guilty because I ate too much icecream, or yelled at my kids. It goes a lot deeper than that. It's much more spiritual.
I felt guilty that I committed my life to full-time missions when I was younger, yet here I sit, just being a stay at home mom. I felt guilty for gaining a ton of weight. I felt guilty for losing the close relationship that I had with my Savior when I was younger.

Guilt, guilt, guilt. What did that produce?

Eating, eating, eating. Weight, weight, weight. It's what I did to shut out God's conviction in my life. To shut out intimacy, to not get too close to others. The guilt brought shame that was nearly unbearable.

But God is Faithful. His love endures forever.

I know that I'm forgiven and washed clean since I've repented. I know this in my head. I'm working on knowing and embracing it in my heart. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm making progress. It's something I have to keep reminding myself of when those old familiar guilty feelings start creeping back in. I'm so thankful God's not finished with me yet.

Week 3 Weigh-in and Meeting

Wow! I can't believe I've reached the end of week 2 and am beginning week 3. Sometimes as I look back on the journey so far, it realize how fast it is going and how these changes are becoming habits in my life.
Thursday nights are weekly weigh-ins and meetings. I was anxious all day long yesterday as I had way too much time to anticipate the weigh in. Would I lose anything? Would I meet my own expectations? What if I failed? Then I read this in my weekly devotional:

Grace teaches us: With MY help, you can keep moving toward the goal. However, remind yourself about ME. I'M going to be here everyday. Without ME, your heart will condemn you. But I won't withhold any good thing from you if you walk uprightly." What Have You Got To Lose by Stephen Arterburn

This hit me right where I needed it to. I was condemning myself with my own heart. But God showed me that I had been walking upright, and He would not withhold good things from me. The results may not be what I want, but in His timing, He will complete this work in me. 

So what were the results? I had a loss of 3 pounds!!! That was my goal, and I was very pleased to hit it. Since January 3rd, I have lost 16 lbs! That's pretty good for 2 and 1/2 weeks, I'd say. We had an awesome lecture from Dr. Justin about nutrition and exercise, did a challenging workout, and have a great time of devotions. While I didn't win the top amount for my team, I am pleased with my results. Bring on the next week!

God Speaks to Me

Ever since I was a little girl, God has used music to speak to me personally. Of course the primary way he speaks to all of us is through his Word. But I think he also has a way of communicating with us all on an individual, personal level. He is, after all, a personal God. Music is the way he speaks to me.

My earliest childhood memories include music. I remember being supremely jealous when my younger sister received an Amy Grant record for Christmas. I was only 7 at the time. It wasn't long before I was holding concerts in my bedroom, every lyric from that album memorized. Soon it was church musicals and learning the weekly hymns we sung on Sundays. As I got older, I joined choir in jr. high and high school. I don't even remember actually learning to sight-read music. It just always made sense to me.

Even now as an adult, God uses lyrics and melodies to really grab my heart. I can be going along my merry way, minding my own business, when a song comes on the radio that just cuts me to the core. So it's only natural that I would turn to music as I began this spiritual journey. It is what I turn to when I look for God.

This is one of my most favorite songs right now. It speaks exactly what my heart feels. My need for a Savior. My need to change, to be delivered. And my knowledge that there is only One who can do that for me.

When the rubber meets the road....

You know I recently realized something. It's so easy to make good choices when things are going smoothly. One good choice leads to another, you start seeing results, and life is good. Ahhh, but doesn't it always seem like that's when God throws in the wrench and requires dependence on HIM? Requires us to lean on HIM and not go running back to our old habits and ways?

I've been doing really well lately. But it seems that after a couple of days of doing well, I need a reminder of my need for my Savior. Today has been one of those days. It's just been a struggle. I'm tired, crabby, and unmotivated. To add to it all, my hubby found out that a bonus that was promised to be on Friday's paycheck will be delayed for weeks to months. Ugh. That was our spending money for our upcoming vacation to Disney World. As soon as I got off the phone with him, I felt those old feelings coming flooding back. Oh how I wished I had a bag of chips, or a 1-pound bag of peanut butter M&M's to munch on while I pondered everything. I wanted a way to escape even thinking about the situation! But I couldn't. And that even made me more frustrated.

After a few moments of stewing, I realized God's voice was nudging me, trying to get through to me. Faced with a choice, I had to make the right one. I was so aware of that choice, and I knew what God wanted me to do. "Crave ME." That's what that voice kept saying. After all, I had spent my quiet time this morning reading exactly that. And so I started praying. And kept praying. I wish I could say the desire to sin has passed. It really hasn't, it's just lessened. And I'm learning to go to the Lord with my problems instead of my cupboard. I know there will be more days like this, but I also know that by keeping my heart open to God, sweet victory will be mine in the end.