Guilt

Guilt is a subtle, yet powerful thing. It can sneak up on you quietly and quickly, grasping a hold on you and not letting go. It's controlling and like quicksand. Once you are in the thick of it, it's so hard to get out.
Guilt is one of the biggest things I've struggled with over the past 10 years. It's not your average kind of guilty feelings, like feeling guilty because I ate too much icecream, or yelled at my kids. It goes a lot deeper than that. It's much more spiritual.
I felt guilty that I committed my life to full-time missions when I was younger, yet here I sit, just being a stay at home mom. I felt guilty for gaining a ton of weight. I felt guilty for losing the close relationship that I had with my Savior when I was younger.

Guilt, guilt, guilt. What did that produce?

Eating, eating, eating. Weight, weight, weight. It's what I did to shut out God's conviction in my life. To shut out intimacy, to not get too close to others. The guilt brought shame that was nearly unbearable.

But God is Faithful. His love endures forever.

I know that I'm forgiven and washed clean since I've repented. I know this in my head. I'm working on knowing and embracing it in my heart. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm making progress. It's something I have to keep reminding myself of when those old familiar guilty feelings start creeping back in. I'm so thankful God's not finished with me yet.